Yuletide joy

It's been a day of peaks and troughs.

My poorly friend made it through the night... this wasn't a foregone conclusion, his kidneys had failed catastrophically and his family were told to prepare for the worst. It seems unfair, he's 48, has never smoked and has had a drink about twice a year in the thirty years I have known him. He's spent all his life doing "good works" - youth work, scouts, special constabulary - a really nice bloke. And it's all gone horribly wrong. I've learnt, though, in the last couple of years, that the world isn't fair, and shit things happen to nice people.
As the day has gone on, the updates have been getting slightly more positive. When they took the DNR notice from his bed, that was a pretty big milestone - a few hours more and they reduced the drugs they've given him to keep him from moving - now they are talking about letting him wake up. It's been a long slog so far, and there is a long way to go, but now they are saying that he's stable, rather than critical.  If he can get through another night, and breathe for himself, then there will be cause for real celebration upon the morrow.
He does seem to have had his usual effect on technology though - so far he's broken three dialysis machines...

On a less positive note, I saw my next-door-but-a-couple neighbour today - she was diagnosed with a cancer in her jaw a couple of months ago, which was discovered at a dental check up. She has had some chemo, but I hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and another neighbour had mentioned that things weren't going too well... It seems that the cancer is pretty advanced, and they've told her that they can't do anything more.  The surgery they would have had to do would have left her unable to speak or eat, the radiotherapy would have burnt her face painfully and it would all have only given her a few more weeks. So she's decided that she's had enough, and she's withdrawn from the active treatment now. She's very frail, and talking to me for half an hour wore her out so much she had to lay down...

So, a day of contrasts. Fear, joy, sadness... It's the longest night, as I type it's about half past midnight, and so we're about half way through the longest night.  The Solstice is at just after 5am here - when we are as far from the Sun as we will be this year - from then on, we start the slow but steady climb back to spring, when there will be new life and growth all around us.  Before that spring, we have to get through the rest of the winter... but knowing that spring is coming is what will get us through.

Whatever you celebrate at this time of year, I hope that you have a merry and peaceful one.  Sending Yuletide blessings to you all...
FFFF

How things change

A funny couple of weeks.  I've been getting more and more stressed... to be brutal, I haven't been coping very well.  Work is going fine, but instead of enjoying the challenge I have been resenting every minute I have spent on it.  Family have been having their own crises (and there have been some real shit bastard arse things going on for people I care about, and there's sweet stuff all that I can do about any of it) which have added to the tension.  Totally innocent people on internet fora (forums?  no doubt my Latin-fluent Ickle Bruv will correct this very soon) have made minor digs and been flamed properly for their trouble.  To call this "mood swings" seems just a little weak.  And some poor so and so lives with me and puts up with the bitch queen from hell every day...
I have been lying awake nights trying to go to sleep, but not wanting to face the nightmares.  When I wake up, shattered, I have had hands and feet so stiff that I couldn't pull the quilt back and walk to the bathroom.  I know it's been warm but I have never - NEVER - spent the night with no covers over me before - the fear of spiders walking over me in the night (yeah, ok, don't tell me whether it's silly or perfectly reasonable, I don't want to know) has always kept me under the quilt, whatever the weather.  Until this month.  Hot flushes four hours long.  Changing the sheets every few days because they are wringing wet by morning.

I don't know what made me look at the "Patient Information Leaflet" in the latest hormone therapy tablets I have been taking.  Possibly the thought that these haven't been any better than the last.  I was taking anastrazole (Arimidex), which was making the pain in my joints (which is a natural part of being post-menopausal, or so they tell me) much worse.  So I spoke to the Great Man, or rather to the BC nurses at the clinic who spoke on my behalf to the Great Man... he wrote to my GP saying that I should stop the Anastrazole and start on Exemestane, which might or might not reduce this particular side effect.  I didn't start them straight away but waited until I got back from a business trip, but I have been on them for almost a month.  Anyway, my poor claws have been getting more and more painful, so I thought idly that I would have a look and see what the bit of paper in every packet said.
Hmmm...

Very common side effects, (affecting more than 1 person in 10):

• Difficulty sleeping
• Headache
• Hot flushes
• Feeling sick (nausea)
• Increased sweating
• Muscle and joint pain (including osteoarthritis, back pain, arthritis and joint stiffness)
• Tiredness

Common side effects, (affecting between 1 to 10 people in 100):

• Loss of appetite
• Depression
• Dizziness, carpal tunnel syndrome (a combinations of pins and needles, numbness and pain affecting all of the hand except the little finger)
• Stomach ache, vomiting (being sick), constipation, indigestion, diarrhoea
• Skin rash, hair loss
• Thinning of bones which might decrease their strength (osteoporosis), leading to bone fractures (breaks or cracks) in some cases
• Pain, swollen hands and feet

Some of that sounds a bit familiar...
So I rang the BC Nurses and asked for advice.  Yep, I am taking Glucosamine & Chondroitin.  No, I am really not happy at all.  Yep, I would be pleased to see the Great Man to talk about this.  No, I am not sure that I want to stop taking anything, but I would like to do something other than this as it's pretty awful.  So they had a chat with the Great Man and I'm to stop taking them for now and go in and see him next week to talk about this.

Thing is, my cancer was 3 on the Oestrogen Receptive scale, which goes 1-8.  3 is the threshhold - higher than that, it's hormone therapy for five years.  Lower than that, it's of little or no benefit.  3?  That's the borderline.  It might be doing some good, but it might not.  It's making me feel a bit crummy (aka Blooming miserable) but do I want to take a chance that it is preventing recurrence or spread?  that seems like a big gamble to me.  There are too many people I know on the secondary BC path right now, and that's not a good place to be, so I am reluctant to give up anything that might have the slightest effect in keeping me out of there.

In other news, M has run away to sea.  He's currently in a taxi heading North from Schipol to Den Helder, where tomorrow, all things being equal, he and his chum will be setting sail for Blighty.  The weather forecast has the wind pointing in the right direction to get them home quickly - possibly just a little too much, though, it might be quite a bumpy ride.  So at least I have something else to fret about for a few days!

Five years... we got five years

At least that's how long I am supposed to take these pills for...

I've been taking the glucosamine stuff for about three weeks now. Can't say that I am noticing any benefit at the moment. My ankles are as stiff as a stiff thing in the morning and my fingers are very slow to free up... guess it's old age or something. But I have to start taking the hormone pills sooner or later - and today's the day.

I got an interview for that job that is miles away - thankfully they have organised the interview for 11am in London so I will at least be able to get back for the zapping on Friday... fingers crossed.